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Self-confidence is a posture, which allows people to have incontestable, yet realistic views of the themselves and their position. Self-confident people have confidence in their own abilities, have a general sense of control over their lives, and trust that, within reason, they will be able to do what they want to do.

Self-confidence is an attitude that is garnered through experiences. When a person experiences success, that person will tend to expect to be successful. And that expectation will cause a feeling of confidence.

For example: A young man wants to be a prizefighter, so he takes lessons, and gets a manager. His manager will not put him into a bout until he has developed proficient fighting skills. And even then, the manager will only put him up against an adversary that he knows his fighter can surpass. When his fighter beats the challenger, he is successful, and starts to gain a feeling of faith in his fighting skills.

With each bout, the manager puts his champion up against an adversary who is only a little bit better of a challenger then the last, but not good enough to beat his man. By the end of the third fight, the young fighter begins to expect to win his fourth, and so his confidence continues to flourish. This series of events continues to repeat itself. And as long as the fighter continues to win, his expectations of success, and his feelings of self-confidence will continue to flourish.

If a person who has a long history of success and feelings of self-confidence does fail, they still tend to expect success the next time out. Conversely, when a person who is weak in the self-confidence department fails, they tend to lose confidence, and begin to expect failure, which can become a self-fulfilling prophecy.

Having true self-confidence doesn't mean that individuals will be able to do everything. People, who have true self-confidence, usually have expectations that are attainable. Even when some of their expectations are not met, they continue to be positive and to accept themselves.

People, who are not self-confident, tend to depend disproportionately on the approval of others in order to feel good about themselves. They avoid risks because of the fear of failure. They put themselves down and tend to discount or ignore compliments that they do receive.

Conversely, self-assured people are willing to risk the disapproval of others because they generally have confidence in their own potential. A person can have tremendous abilities, but still lack confidence. A lack of confidence is often the result of centering much too strongly on the unreal expectations of other people, especially friends and parents. The affect of friends can be more powerful than those of parents in shaping the feelings about one's self.

Assumptions That Continue to Influence Self-Confidence

In response to external influences, people develop beliefs; some of these are constructive and some are harmful. Several assumptions that can interfere with self-confidence and better ways of thinking are:

ASSUMPTION: It's important that I'm successful at every challenge I undertake. This is totally unrealistic. In real life, everyone has his/her strengths and weaknesses. While it's important to do the best that one can, it's more important to learn to accept the self as being human, and fallible. Feel good about what you are good at, and accept the fact that no person knows everything nor are they an expert at everything.

ASSUMPTION: I must be perfect, and loved by everyone, and satisfy everyone. Again, this is totally unrealistic. All human beings are flawed. It's better to develop personal standards and values that are not completely dependent on the approval of others.

ASSUMPTION: Everything that happened to me in the past remains in control of my feelings and behaviors in the present.

ALTERNATIVE: While it is true that your confidence was especially vulnerable to external influences during your childhood, as you mature, you can gain consciousness and point of view on what those influences have been. In doing so, you can choose which influences you will continue to allow to have an effect on your life. You don't have to be helpless because of past events. HERE ARE SOME STRATEGIES FOR DEVELOPING CONFIDENCE

Emphasize your strengths. Bestow upon yourself credit for everything you can do. And give yourself recognition for every new experience that you are willing to attempt.

Take risks. Adopt the point of view of: I never fail, because there are NO failures. However, sometimes I learn what does not work, and once I've learned what doesn't work in a given situation, I can try some other action.

Use Self-Talk: Talk to yourself in positive terms to counter harmful assumptions. Then, tell yourself to stop. Substitute more reasonable assumptions. For example, when you catch yourself expecting yourself to be perfect, remind yourself that it's impossible to do everything perfectly, and that it's only possible to do things to the best of your ability. This allows you to accept yourself as you are improving.

Make mental movies: Visualize yourself in the various scenarios that you currently lack confidence in. But see yourself behaving as like a person who has tremendous self-confidence would. There are many powerful Hypnosis and NLP processes that you can use to create a tremendous amount of self-confidence from within your unconscious mind. There are even NLP techniques that will let you take confidence that you do have in areas of your life, and then transplant that confidence to areas of your life that are lacking confidence!

Self-Evaluate: Learn to appraise yourself independently. Avoid the frequent sense of chaos that comes from relying on other people's opinion.

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Alan B. Densky, CH. is certified hypnotist and NLP Practitioner. He opened his practice in 1978. He is the inventor of Neuro-VISION, an NLP / Video hypnosis technology that received a US Patent because of its effectiveness. Neuro-VISION has been perfected for weight loss NLP and video smoke cessation hypnosis. Visit the Neuro-VISION NLP & Hypnosis site and download FREE MP3's hypnosis newsletters, and original articles on hypnosis & NLP.